Dealing with 2 Assholes…Don’t take that bad day out on someone you know.Take it out on someone you DON’T know.
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word “asshole,” and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up.
He’d answer, and I’d yell, “You’re an asshole!” It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea.
I dialled his number and when I heard his voice, “Hello?” I made up a name. “Hi. I’m with the Telephone Company and I’m just calling to see if you’d be interested in our caller ID program?” “No!” he shouted and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”
(Keep reading this, it gets better!)
An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
“Great”, I thought, “she’s finally leaving.” All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, “You can’t do that. I was here first!” The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if I didn’t even exist. I thought to
myself, “This guy’s another asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world.” Then, I noticed he had a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the phone number. Then, I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I’m sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, “You’re an asshole!” (It’s really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings, someone answered the phone and said, “Hello.”
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s
parked right out front.”
I said, “What’s your name?”
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home in the evenings.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Sure…” “Don, you’re an asshole!” And I slammed the phone down.
Then, I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialler. I must say, for a
while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now, when I had a
problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling
the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used
to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with this
solution:
First, I had my phone speed dial asshole #1.
A man answered nicely, “Hello?”
I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” but I didn’t hang up.
The asshole said, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah.”
He said, “Stop calling me.”
I said, “Make me, asshole.”
He said, “What’s your name, pal?”
So I told him, “Don Hansen.”
He said, “Where do you live?”
“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black BMW’s parked out
front.”
“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”
“Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole!” and I hung up.
Then I called asshole #2.
Don Hansen answered, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, asshole.”
He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?”
“I’ll kick your ass.”
“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now, asshole.”
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my way to 1802, West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Now you know what to do if you have a really bad day.
– 5:58PMMen in Black II is great but a bit confusing. It’s better if I could remember Men in Black I clearly before watching Men in Black II.
– 3:34AMNighttime. Day 2
Anyone who has been to Thailand never fails to mention tiger shows (sex shows) and ah kua shows (transvestite shows). Wawa offered to take us to an ah kua show for 700 baht (rm70) which includes dinner and an hour of traditional dance at a place called Mambo (located somewhere near Sukumpit rd). The traditional dance wasn’t that interesting and the narrator speaks lousy English. We couldn’t understand a word she says! An hour later, the real show begins. We had good seats which were 2 rows away from the stage! Furthermore, the show was great! The transvestites were dancing and singing on the stage, Broadway style! Not every transvestite looks exactly like a woman. Only couple of them are pretty! There is one that I really like. He looked like a Hong Kong actress! Approximately one hour later, the show ends and photo sessions are held outside the building. Melody wanted to take a picture with one of the funny transvestite. He was happy to take with us. We then headed to another group of transvestite and took a picture with them. However, this time, they demanded a tip and were very adamant with it. I had to fork out 20 baht for each of them. Greedy fuckers. I was looking for my favourite transvestite and he was happily there standing waiting for people to take pictures with him. While I was trying to pose, I accidentally bumped my elbow onto his so-called breast. It was as hard as a rock! I paid him 20 baht and left the place feeling disgusted.
We headed to the sex show next. Wawa kept on telling us not to try any stunts performed in the sex show. As usual, sex shows are boring but this is much better than those I saw in Amsterdam. The girls aren’t that pretty but the things they do are extraordinary. Initially it was just some stripping, heterosexual sex and lesbian acts but soon it turned into a circus show. One of the girls started to perform fire eating. Another one had sharp razors tied on a string and started to pull them out from her pussy. The rest of their acts were common. They had pussy popping ping-pong balls, cigarettes smoking pussy (the girl offered one of the half smoked cigarettes to a guy and he eventually puffed it) etc. No wonder Wawa told us not to try any stunts.
– 3:33AM
