Stiff & Hard . Com

Over the years, the Malaysian government has been pushing our fellow Malaysians to break into the international market to gain international recognition. Many have adhered to the government’s calls including one Pak Long who emailed me today.
Pak Long recently has ventured into E-business, setting up his traditional aphrodisiac online! And of all domain names, he chose.. … WTF!!!
Some of his products were hilariously described:-

    To be used to cure PREMATURE EJACULATION without the heatiness associated with Gambir Sarawak.
    To use, just take a few drops and rub it on the penis head at least 10 minutes before sex. Remember to wash first if you plan to have oral sex.
    RM 16.00 / PER BOTTLE
    This spray is made from extracts of the best products of the east. Just a single spray for this 2 amazing functions which is to help delay ejaculation and enlarges the penis head.
    To use, just SPRAY ONLY ONCE on the penis head at least 10 minutes before sex.
    RM 35.00 / PER BOTTLE

And, he has also found the secret of the ancient emperor of China!

    The secret of the ancient emperor of China!
    Every time you make love, you ejaculate too fast and your partner is not satisfied?
    Do you want your penis to be extremely hard – harder than ever!! Before you make love, so that your partner feels exasperated and grip it as hard as she could?
    Do you want to delay your orgasm? So that your partner is free to explore many different types of position – until she is EXTREMELY SATISFIED.
    Do you want to increase your sex drive? So that your partner’s slight touch on your penis is able to bring it up…. As hard as a rock?
    Do you want to increase your penis strength? So that it is stiff with visible veins just like the bodybuilders?
    Do you want to increase your semen velocity? So that your partner feel extremely ticklish when her vagina feels the rushing gush of your sperm?
    Do you want to avoid premature ejaculation so that your partner will forever remember the strength of your penis?
    Do you want your penis head to expand whenever you have an erection? So your partner will scream in delight?
    Do you want to break up the fats and wind trapped within your penis tissue so that it will increase blood flow around the penis and thus making you ready all the time?!
    Do you want to increase your penis strength and increase blood flow around your penis tissue without the use of pills which may give you harmful side effects?
    RM 80.00 / PER SET ( 2 BOTTLES)

The traditional Malay aphrodisiac business has been around for many, many years. I’ve heard many stories about how people were prescribed with certain aphrodisiacs to be able to improve their sexual performance. For example, Tongkat Ali. However, some of these aphrodisiacs have been abused by many especially the Spanish Fly (Note this is not a Malay traditional aphrodisiac). The stories about the abuse of Spanish Fly are horrendous. Girls beware, try not to accept drinks from strangers. Even the guy who makes drinks for you at the mamak cannot be completely trusted.
When I was younger (around 15 years old), Umeng and I befriended R, a guy who worked in a mamak stall. His job was to make drinks for customers. He was a friendly man of 30s. Every time we visited to his stall, he would sit with us to chat and he would sometimes tell us stories of his sexcapades. Many of them being his customers.
Being a young boy of 15 years old, I was fascinated on how this man who worked in a mamak stall got to sleep around with so many of his customers of all ages. From school girls to working class women. Every time his customers came to his store to have a drink, they would end up at his apartment or her apartment to have sex.
He was so good at his stories until one day Umeng and I bought him condoms for his birthday. Umeng and I were almost idolizing him!
Of course, I was very curious with what kind of tactic he used to get all these girls. I thought he had a honey laced mouth and girls would be easily persuaded by his sweet words.
Like any students who wanted to learn from a master, I asked him many, many questions and until one day, he confessed to me that he used a certain liquid to attract those girls. All he did was dropped a few drops in their drinks and thereafter it’s “my place or your place, bang bang bang, byebye”.
Being a young boy of 15 years old, I had no idea what he was talking about and as time went by, Umeng and I stopped hanging out at his mamak and thereafter lost contact with R. Then years later, I realised that the certain liquid could be the Spanish Fly (or something equivalent), an aphrodisiac that would arouse women. I then realised that R has been spiking his female customers’ drinks with aphrodisiac so that he could have sex with them.
How disgusting. How how disgusting. It was too late when I realised the truth. R was nowhere to be found and I don’t know any of his victims.
If my presumption is right, the only place to seek retribution now is Hell. May you burn in hell R. The dungeon of infinite castration awaits you.

37 thoughts on “Stiff & Hard . Com”

  1. He was so good at his stories until one day Umeng and I bought him condoms for his birthday. Umeng and I were almost idolizing him! => Fuwah i can’t believe u actually did this, damn funny wei..

  2. “The dungeon of infinite castration awaits you” OUCCCCCCCCHHHHH!!! lucky u din end up like mr.R…if not..”The dungeon of infinite castration awaits you”..kakaka…ouch!!! it sounds painfull indeed bent!

  3. Once I was having lunch with my colleagues and some business clients at this fish head shop in Chan Sow Lin… some Chinese nationals came around to sell aphrodisiac. They have in red bottles and its called “Red Spider” (hong chi chi). Red is for ladies consumption and the funny thing was… buy 1 red free 1 blue. But I dont know if this was a con, so we didn’t buy.
    Blue’s for guy. Imagine the victim is aroused and the stalker wallop one bottle of the blue one and… thats it for the girl victim.
    xes… buy one and test it with your sex partner/gf/wife etc…. see if its really work as marketed. Haha.

  4. endroo G: i’ll buy one for bimbobum. bimbobum can have both pills 😛
    munkee&olives: im not sure how exactly it works but its also prescribed to animals so that they could start mating!
    Avalondevil: wahahha imagine everyday u wake up kena castrated!!
    bent: indeed it does!

  5. yup doraemon-san find tat R bring him to judgement… Or… YES INDEED help promote MALAYSIA BOLEH item!!!

  6. Xes: Spanish fly is just an urban myth la. It doesn’t exist. 😛
    If got such thing i everyday also can get laid liow by the chicks on the ad agency floor. 😛
    If u give them “aphrodisiac” and if it works also maybe make them horny and not neccesarily with u la. Maybe they go home and bang bang with husband/bf. What for wanna bang bang mamak guy. 😛

  7. bimbobum: ok la, i ask sample then u try okay? keke try in wolfx 😛
    insomnia: wahaha sorry i dont know where is he now!
    fanker: ok la. i buy! u try okay!
    rina: spanish fly on guys? O_O
    wolfx: it is not an urban legend la. go read on wikipedia/encyclopedia la. also u dont know what is the real effect of spanish fly, how do u know that they rather go home and bang their husband/bf? try before ah??

  8. xes: Nolah….cuz aphrodisiacs dun cuz u to bang any tom dick or harry. Make you horny only ma.
    Sorry i meant that the “spanish fly” that makes u wanna bang anybody doesn’t exist.
    “The legend that Spanish fly (or cantharides, a substance made from dried beetle remains) is a powerful aphrodisiac has been around for hundreds of years. The substance irritates the urogenital tract and produces an itching sensation in sensitive membranes, a feeling that allegedly increases a woman’s desire for intercourse. No medical or scientific test has ever shown Spanish fly to be deserving of its reputation as an aphrodisiac, however, and its indiscriminate use can result in serious medical problems. ”

  9. wolfx: your source is doubtful la.maybe u should read wikipedia. i am sure of its effectiveness as i’ve heard from a friend that his friedn tried it on another girl before. his friend wanted to bang this girl and spiked her drink. so she became horny and to his friend horror, the girl went off with another guy WAHAHAHA. also, i’m sure most girls wont wanna bang a mamak stall helper la. hahaha unless the spanish fly came with a sleeping pill. keke

  10. HAHAHA!!!Government ask them go do business and do business they did. Looks like selling ‘minyak lintah’, this time, the futuristic way…..
    The web-site may be simple but I can’t stop laughing.

  11. XES.CX should sponsor a few products. Allow sitevisitors to try. I am sure it will make a great and farney post. XES can document the whole event itself (whats in the event, don’t ask me to plan). My imagination not that good 😉

  12. xes: no loh. debunks all urban myths + email forwards u will ever get. If anything snopes more reliable than wiki since wiki anyone can change the content. Anyway i did check wiki la and it doesn’t really say if it really works the way you think it does.
    Yeahla so your Mamak stall helper R must be dem persuasive + his “liquid”. 😛
    Bimbobum: Here here…scratch here. *point point*

  13. AHLOKKOR: aiyoh sample products and review it here ah? thats’s job!
    wolfx: the website you gave me only debunks the myth of a girl impaling herself with the gear stick.
    doesnt work the way i think it does? har? since when i desribed how it works? the one at wiki also says that the said chemical is used on animals for mating. henceforth it can be implied that it caused beings to be sexually aroused.
    also wiki shoudl be a realiable source as it is read by thousands of people. if something is incorrect, someone will point it out. also those who changes it must quote the source. maybe u can read this . also you will be surprised that i have a case where a lawyer used wikipedia to support his case 😀
    but i wonder why dont they use it on pandas. rather than letting them watch panda porn. also i must admit that mamak fellow R is quite a smooth talker la keke

  14. xes: It can be argued that for animals who have no “hands” cannot “fap” or “sclick” themselves when the thing make them itchy ma. So how else to get rid of itch? Hump lo. XD
    As in you think that if u feed a girl spanish fly, she will become a raging sex machine and wanna screw u there and then. Not how it works. I think this holds little truth in how “powderful” this drug is.
    Wiki accurate ha? I go change the spanish fly entry now for fun. JK. Ya i know Snope debunks that myth but it also tells u how it works and how it doesn’t make a woman horny as most ppl perceive.
    I’m curious, if it works that way hor, how you gonna prove a rape case? Can it be said that the victim was willing, under influence of a drug? Thus is this rape or not?

  15. wolfx: animals hump after taking the drugs? so u admitting that “Spanish fly” works la? hahaha
    “As in you think that if u feed a girl spanish fly, she will become a raging sex machine and wanna screw u there and then. Not how it works. I think this holds little truth in how “powderful” this drug is.” wtf?? u putting words in my mouth ah? since when i said that? what kind of assumption is this ah??
    snope debunks myths. unless they are medical professionals or they quote a realiable source, then i believe la. butthen probably they copied and pasted someone’s assumptions. holds no water la. i think to put an end on this, we chip in money and buy one for bimbobum. let he/she tell us whether it works or not wahhaah
    as for rape, the malaysian penal code provides few examples what consistute rape. one of them is, i quote
    “Fifthly- With her consent, when, at the time of giving such consent, she is unable to understand the nature and consequences of that to which she gives consent.”
    As such, based on the above example, most likely spiking a girl and thereafter having sexual intercourse with her would constituted rape.

  16. xes: I agree with your suggestion with bimbo. 😀 So who will be the victim…i mean…volunteer? Fanky?
    Aiyah i admitting spanish fly makes your lubang gatal but not turn u into mindless sex zombie la. That’s all i trying to say.

  17. woflx: wah since when i said that spanish fly will turn someone into mindless sex zombie? your imagination very wild hor.

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